Over the Edge

creation, freedom, change

This blog began in 2003 as a chronicle of my life at Twin Oaks Community.
I left in January 2006, and now I write as a mother seeking a good life for her daughter
(and the rest of us, too)

schmintentions

Looking back at my last post (nearly 6 months ago) and my sincere intention to rekindle the blog, I just have to laugh at myself. 



I tried to start a post just now about why it's harder for me to follow through on intentions these days... but I didn't have my heart in it.  There's laundry I'd rather be doing, and packing to move to a beautiful and small cabin in the woods.



I guess I haven't had as much interest in self-reflection when there are physical tasks I can be doing to move my life more towards where I want it to be.



For anyone stumbling on this blog for the first time -- welcome, have a look around.  This journey is an interesting, ever-evolving one.  I imagine I'll be back to reflect on it again one of these days...

posted by: tickledspirit at 04/30/11 10:47 | link | comments |

phoenix blog

Over a year has passed since I posted here.  At some point I tried to move my blog to a different host site, and I created a mess that left this version disabled and all my previous posts vanished.  Oops.

But now, thanks to encouragement from a Twin Oaks member who found out about the commune through this blog and was hoping to share it with others, I got motivated to figure out how to get it back... and it worked!  Thanks, Mushroom.

And so, Over the Edge rises from the ashes to start again as an active blog.  And how appropriate, because I'm also feeling the refreshing burn of transformation... details to come.  This is just a post to say "I'm back... but not back in a backwards kind of way.  It's more of a cyclical forward movement kind of way, finding the path after being lost for awhile.  I'm back."

posted by: tickledspirit at 10/24/10 09:02 | link | comments |

What 30 looks (and sounds) like!

I failed to plan the 30th birthday party I had been hoping to throw for myself... lots of ideas, and not enough uumph to put them into action (it often happens like that with a baby around, it seems).  HOWEVER, the Universe stepped in and provided me with a kick-ass rite-of-passage into my Thirties.  I couldn't have planned a better one myself! 

Our second performance of Godspell was the evening of my birthday, and the show was going pretty well.  No one I knew was in the audience, and sometimes it's easier to relax and have fun when that's the case, because I'm not thinking about how/if they're enjoying the show.

The way that we performed the show, pretty much everyone had some solo singing.  I had one of the early songs in the first act, and I was always glad to get it over with because singing by myself historically terrifies me.  Throughout rehearsals for Godspell I had been proud of myself for singing fully, not hiding behind a soft, weak voice like I've been known to do.  I think I was more comfortable in this context because so many of us were/are amateurs... I didn't feel like I was out of my league or not up to par with other people in the cast.

On Saturday night, my song began as usual, but early in the song the CD we used as accompaniment started skipping.  And kept skipping as I tried to keep singing.

I had a moment of wondering if I should stop and let the sound guy re-start the CD, but instead I decided to just keep going.  The rest of the cast followed along as they joined in on harmony, and we sang the whole song a capella.

When we finished without a trainwreck, it felt wonderfully thrilling, the high that comes from doing what you're afraid to do.  As I drove home that night, I thought to myself, "Hell yeah -- I'm 30, and I can keep singing when the music fails!" 

It's a ripe metaphor that I think is viscerally etched in the cells of my body, to hold as a reminder through this next stage of my life.

And if I ever forget, it's been preserved on video! 

More photos from the show can be seen here, as well.

posted by: tickledspirit at 08/25/09 22:54 | link | comments (1) |
theater, faith

Ruminating on 30

Tomorrow is my 30th birthday -- it feels pretty big, much more than any other birthday since 20, I think.  21 was no big deal because I already drank alcohol, and not much of it, so nothing really changed.   There's something about my sense of self that changes with these decade birthdays... a shift in my perspective on who I am in the world.

30 feels like turning outward, after spending my 20s learning about myself and testing out my ideas and ideals.  My 20s was about experiencing and experimenting, opening up to new possibilities and pushing perceived limits... and then noticing how I felt, how other people reacted, and how I felt about other people's reactions.  Data collection, my 20's.

And now I have a sense of a mandate to act on the information I've gathered.  I know myself fairly well -- I know my tendencies, my emotional and mental "gravitations".   I know the well-worn paths and the traps that lie therein.  It's my job now to take responsibility for all that, and navigate gracefully around the traps. 

I know how to open when I'm shut down, and I know how I justify not opening up.  I know that I have a tendency to be controlling, and I know the power and the danger of that habit.  I know the things I need to do to take care of myself, and I know I enjoy life more when I do them:

• EAT WELL-- avoid wheat and sugar, and don't skip meals


• DRINK A LOT OF WATER -- I need a beautiful water bottle that I carry everywhere, otherwise I forget to drink


• GO TO BED EARLY -- I can't let Facebook suck me in night after night... I need to give myself a bedtime


• WRITE IN MY JOURNAL DAILY --  I need a daily routine where I write at the same time every day (right now it's when Aurora naps)


• WORK WITH TAROT CARDS REGULARLY -- I need to give myself over to magical experience to get out of the illusion that I'm in control here


• GET OUT OF THE HOUSE WITH AURORA -- I need to plan things the day before so in the morning we get up and GO!


• WALK IN THE WOODS -- I need to have time surrounded by the creations of raw nature, rather than the creations of people


• WORK WITH PLANTS -- I need a garden, and I need to be making medicine from herbs


• DANCE -- I need to have a regular date with myself for dancing, otherwise I let it slide


• CHALLENGE MYSELF -- I get bored if things are easy... I need to be challenging myself emotionally, physically, mentally, and spiritually if I'm going to feel satisfied with my life, because I want to be growing.

And the purpose of all of this is shifting to be more outward now -- not just the development of self-awareness from my 20s, but now shifting outward to being of service, making my life a contribution to the communities I'm a part of.  This family, my circles of friends, this city, this world... humanity.   I feel like I've been scrambling since Aurora was born (15 months ago!) to reconfigure my modes of service.  It's hard to be an "activist' as I wash diapers and dishes at home.  As it's all played out, though, I find myself focusing on theater and ritual as my contributions.  Jeffrey has supported me in performing in 2 shows in the last 6 months, staying with Aurora during rehearsals and performances.  The stage has always called me... from my first role as Goldilocks in kindergarten, right up to tonight's opening night for Godspell.   Yes, this is a clear path for me.  Sometimes it seems like it's so obvious that I forget I'm an actress, when I'm in angst about not having a focus, not having a "profession".  I do, it just doesn't pay.

Then the other path, more recently acknowledged, is that of holding space for ritual.  Being by my Grandma's side during the last days of her life inspired me to pursue work as a chaplain, after I was already in training to become a doula.  Holding sacred space for birth and death (and marriage, and divorce, and other life transitions) is another clear path that stays lit when I'm confused about everything else.

I think writing all this out here helps me claim it, helps me say "YES -- this is who I am right now, on the eve of my 30th birthday".  Of course I have no idea what comes next, what I'll learn in this next decade.  But, controlling as I am, I know I thrive when I have a clear and tangible plan for where I'm headed... even if it turns out to completely change.  I've learned that much about myself... so I move forward with that information, doing the best I can.

posted by: tickledspirit at 08/14/09 23:20 | link | comments |

Persistence

I've been feeling the rewards of persistence lately -- it's a trait I think I embody well.  When I'm not coming from a clear place it manifests as stubbornness and control-freak tendencies, but lately I've been doing well at just sticking with what I believe in, holding on in rough waters, and just breathing when I don't know what else to do.



And now I'm experiencing the beauty on the other side... the relief of experiencing what I believed was possible: the depth of connection with my husband, the utter joy of being a mama, the nourishment of social connections in town.



Tonight, I got to feel the reward of persistence in the context of my current theatrical pursuit: a community theater production of Godspell.  The process has been frustratingly slow and lonely.  Our rehearsals have been spaced so far apart that we forget what we've already blocked, and the cast is a group of people who all know everyone else but me... the outsider in all number of ways, it seems (socially, politically, spiritually, financially...)



We've been rehearsing twice a week since June, with multiple cast members absent each time for various vacations and other conflicts.  it's felt scattered and incoherent -- Godspell is such a nonsensical show anyways!  I think we've all been confused about the purpose of what we're doing up till now... I've left rehearsals feeling lonely and unsure of how we're going to pull it all together.  But with a show like this, there's no choice but to keep going.  I made a commitment to the cast and the director when I joined the show, and I wouldn't break it except in dire circumstances (I've only regretted not quitting a show once... a horrible production with a director who had no vision and tried to cover up that lack with sex humor).



Tonight at rehearsal, something clicked into place.  It was our first time ever having two rehearsals in a row, and our first week seeing each other more than twice.   We're starting to know the songs and the dances well enough that we can really perform them, rather than be thinking about what comes next.  It lets us be in our bodies, fully in the physical experience of the moment -- and being in the moment together is what deepens connections.  It was tangible, in our eye contact, in our joking with each other, in our comfort with physical contact (encouraging pats on the back, engaging more fully in partnered choreography...).  Maybe the change is just in me, and everyone else has been feeling this with other people all along, but I don't think so.  It really feels like we've reached another level of group cohesiveness -- what Edie Turner (a favorite professor in UVA's Anthro Dept) would call communitas.  It's that expansion of awareness beyond the self, to include awareness of the group as a whole.  It's one of the key things I love about theater, this experience of collective intent and collective action, giving myself over to that.  I was worried we'd never get there with this show, and tonight I feel grateful for the familiar feeling filling my body and my heart.  This is what I live for...  and I'm reminded yet again that maybe the period of isolation and chaos and not knowing what comes next, maybe that is actually a necessary step in opening to a more fulfilling experience.  It seems a paraodx... and embracing paradox seems to be a major piece of being human.

posted by: tickledspirit at 07/31/09 22:47 | link | comments |
theater, faith, paradox, communitas, body of knowledge

Embracing Change

We're moving to town -- today was really the tipping point, where the new house feels like it's starting to be "home", while the old house releases that credential.  I guess it was the move of the big furniture, and taking a first pass at arranging it, that made the difference.  I'm still sleeping out at the old house, but Jeffrey and Ayden (his teenage son) are staying at the new house tonight, sleeping on couches.  I'm not ready to relinquish myself to the chaos of the new... I much prefer the chaos of what I know, even as it gets more chaotic in the dismantling process.  I know where to find the dishes here, and the dustpan.  I know the flow of this house, the angle at which to peek my head around the corner to check on Aurora when she walks out onto the back porch, how to balance the laundry basket on my hip to squeeze through the doorway, how to turn the shower knobs in the perfect combination of cold and hot...

I'm clinging to this place.  I'm noticing the things I love and grasping onto them, squeezing enjoyment out of them almost violently, and feeling reluctant to let go.

I have so many doubts about this move... it's hard to wrap my mind around all the benefits when I'm mourning the loss of the garden, and the stars, and the trees, and the well water.  The persistent thought tonight has been about wanting to live in a way that's deeply connected to natural cycles, aware of and dependent on the Earth.  I want this to be more a part of my life than it is now... will this move give me that at all?

Here's what it gives me: A great stream running through our backyard -- we don't have any water immediately accessible at the old place.  Two fantastic parks within walking and biking distance.  Community gardening opportunities in abundance -- gardening with other people, just like I've been yearning for as I worked alone for the past 2 years.  Walking places, and taking public transportation -- getting away from driving!

Will there be places to swim in natural, unchlorinated bodies of water?

So many changes... and they're because this life out here in the isolation of the countryside didn't work for me.  We're making this move largely at my request/demand, and maybe that's why i'm feeling consumed with doubt right now.  Is it the "right" choice?

It's change, and change is opportunity.

So little has been fulfilling for me over the past few years, I think I'm just finding it hard to let go of the things that have given me pleasure.  The fear is that nothing will take their place, and I'll be left without anything to enjoy.  Jeez... what a dismal, fatalistic thought. I actually have a lot of excitement about moving... tonight I'm just mourning what I'm leaving behind, feeling afraid of change.

It all comes back to FAITH again... believing that we'll survive and even flourish as we meet the unknown, instead of fearing that it'll be our demise.  Stepping forward trusting that we're in collaboration with the deeper flow of the Universe, instead of at its mercy.  I know the feeling, and as I feel myself on the edge of falling into fear, I can instead breathe into the center of faith, and feel the strength that stirs in me.  Just keep doing that... breathing... and step forward into the chance to create a better (healthy, meaningful, beautiful, playful, creative) life.

posted by: tickledspirit at 04/18/09 23:12 | link | comments |
faith

faithful love: an open letter to my partner

hi you,


This morning I remembered being with you at Ethan and Veeka's wedding, the combination of feeling strong and independent AND completely connected with you.  I remember how it felt in my body and my heart... the electric magic of the spiritual balance.  I remember coming together periodically to check in, needing nothing from each other except to hear wants and desires, and then figure out how they fit together.  We walked by the river that night, exploring the unknown city and each other in tandem -- excited about being in the world together.


THIS is what I want to cultivate more in us.  It's a different sort of balance now that our lives our intertwined with interdependence of money, children, home, car... it's the work of marriage, I think, to keep finding the balance in ever-increasing interdependence.  Most couples get to do it gradually as the children grow up -- but we leaped right in.  Sometimes I get stuck in resentment that it's so hard, that our situation is so complex... and those are the times I get caught in despair and blame.  I want to remember that we're both exceptionally strong, smart, and creative, and that we have all that we need to work with the complexity of our lives.


I see us exploring the world, exploring what it is to be US... from that strong balanced place of independent connectedness.  I know I'm more able to relax into my independence when I have total faith in the strength of our connection -- and I imagine that you're more able to relax into our connection when you feel strong in your independence.  I get clingy to reassure myself, and you withdraw to reassure yourself.  (That's oversimplifying it, I know -- but there seems to be a general truth to it, yes?)


I want to step more fully into my faith in our connection so that I can meet you from a place of strong independence.  It's tricky with a baby -- independence -- because I AM dependent on you now in ways I wasn't before we had a baby together.  Grrr... fucking nuclear family structure!  That's a big part of our move to the city, I think... stepping more into "community" life, finding ways to get my needs met by a larger collective, not just you.


(Another piece of it that I just realized is that I have a fear that you are loving me less as you see more of who I am.  I'm not as bright and shining as I was 4 years ago.  I'm darker, sadder, more confused.  I get angry more easily, and I'm not treating you as lovingly as I used to.  My fear that you don't love me as much increases my clingyness, decreasing my independence.)


So -- FAITHFUL LOVE is the phrase I'm using to describe this balance that I'm seeking.  The FAITH is the lack of neediness, the trust that the other is going to meet me with their truth, and faith in the truth of love between all people, at the core -- that faith keeps me centered in myself.  The LOVE, of course, is the connectedness, giving ourselves over to the experience of "us".  I want to give myself over to love AND be strong in myself -- it's the paradox of orgasm yet again... seeking without attachment, being active and surrendered... the same lessons again and again!  Ah, life.


Thanks for being with me on the journey.  I know I can be stubborn and heavy-headed sometimes.  Thanks for your compassionate patience and your insistent challenges.


see you in the forest of faithful love,


tickledspirit

posted by: tickledspirit at 03/26/09 10:56 | link | comments (2) |
marriage, faith

The story of food stamps...

I'm finding it hard to start this post, because of a high level of embarrassment I have about it.  I remember writing a post several years ago about how useless embarassment is, and how we can all simply decide not to be embarrassed anymore.  Well, that was my arrogant early twenties, and here I am at almost 30... embarrassed, and finding it hard to step out of it.  In my early twenties, choices seemed clearer -- obviously, I'll act based on my ideals and stand proud and confident.  But now, as my choices have unearthed complexity beyond anything I could have imagined, and the "clear" ideals start to contradict each other, how do I justify choices that uphold one ideal while undermining another?  Maybe the escape hatch is in stepping away from trying to justify...  I write this post not to defend my choices, but to put some thoughts down and work with them, and to challenge my embarrassment by sharing myself as I am, wrinkles, confusion, and all.



Our kitchen is full of food again, and it feels relieving.  I feel it in my body, a deep release of tension and anxiety. Tension is still in my mind as I wrestle with ideals and plans and numbers, but my body has relaxed.  It's a step.



We all went to the store together, when Jeffrey called on Friday afternoon and said the card had come in the mail.  We debated going to IGA or Whole Foods -- convenience or quality? -- and decided on Whole Foods.  Our plan is to go to small, local stores from now on, but the major restocking of the kitchen was best suited for the ample supply of the national chain.  When we got there, we told the kids they could choose whatever they wanted, just no candy.  I was impressed with our choices -- mostly staples, with a few treats.  Lots of fruit and cheese and nuts, and other things we had stopped buying months ago, like hot sauce, salsa, and lemon juice.  The kids got really happy about boxed cereal and sour cream.   Their exuberance was contagious -- despite my complicated emotions, I found my excitement in the bulk bins: dried figs, apricots, and blueberries, along with rice, flour, and cornmeal.  The family treats ended up being one chunk of chocolate, three packages of bacon, guacamole, yogurt, and orange juice.



As long as I remember that this is a chapter of our lives, not the whole book, I can roll with it.  We're in a time of acute need, and this system exists to help people in need.  My judgement and frustration (and embarrassment) is that we knew we were headed in this direction, and we didn't make the necessary changes or plans to keep us from here.  In my conception of how the world works, it seems like we should be punished for our failure to plan, instead of rewarded with free food.  We were granted almost twice as much as we usually spent on food, when we had more money.  I fear that it'll be too easy to keep this crutch, and we'll resist weaning ourselves from the luxury.  What's the incentive now to make the changes to have a more sustainable life?  Integrity... My belief in cooperative life (I'd rather be served by people I'm serving than be served by a giant bureaucracy)...



I have friends who would argue that food isn't a luxury, that it's a basic human right that should be provided to anyone who needs it, and that providing people with food should be one of the main tasks of a government.  It's a tricky balance... are those dried blueberries (at $14 a pound) a basic human right?  In my ideal vision, it's the task of a community of people working together to provide food for themselves as a whole.  Government is something different... focused on facilitating the resolution of conflict.



Nothing feels clearer after writing this... I'm tempted to just erase it and try again another time, but the meaningful part of this exercise is in not hiding, stepping out of my shame.  So, here it is.  I don't have it all figured out, no great philosophical justification or political rant... just pieces of the story.

posted by: tickledspirit at 03/16/09 20:45 | link | comments (3) |

Grace

There was a moment today when I felt whole again. 



I was with the first graders, outside, playing an elaborate game of tag called Fox and Bunny.   I was facilitating, shouting encouragement and instruction to the 8 kids.  Sage was in the Fox's Den again -- she has Down's Syndrome and uses tag as an opportunity to run freely, though not necessarily away from whoever is "it".  She was clearly bored with the cycle of getting tagged and then waiting to be rescued by another player.  She crisscrossed her legs and bent forward with her hands on the snowy ground, looking up to me.  "Kate!"



Something clicked into place in me, and I laughed.  I jogged over to her and swooped her up with my arms under her armpits, legs dangling in front of me.  She didn't have to play the game like everyone else -- it wasn't my job tomake her follow the rules.  Instead, she started using her legs to steer us around the field in a front facing, one team wheelbarrow race.  We played our own game, with its own shifting rules and goals.  "Quick!  To the Bunny Hole!"  "Now this way!"  The other first graders continued their game seamlessly, and sometimes we even played along -- "Whoa, there's the fox -- watch out!".



I felt myself wide open, giving myself fully to the moment and to this 6 year old girl.  Nothing held back for myself, or for Aurora, or for later.  Full on, right now -- no rules to follow or enforce, the only goal is love.  I saw the snow-covered mountains around us with new eyes, with appreciation and joy and presence.  I was suddenly in the world as a full participant, instead of fighting against it, begrudging it for its responsibilities, or figuring out how to manipulate it to get what I want.  I've been so focused on not having enough money, or time, or energy -- I've been in this rut of grabbing for whatever I can get and never feeling like I've gotten enough.  This afternoon I felt a wholehearted and wholespirited "yes!" to everything that was happening, effortlessly stepping into a dynamic of collaboration with all of existence. 



It was just a few minutes, and I know I quickly slipped back into the struggle, but looking back on it tonight now that Rora is asleep and I have the space for reflection, I notice the feeling lingering in my body -- the freedom, the joy, the sense of wholeness.



I think some people call it Grace.

posted by: tickledspirit at 03/04/09 00:43 | link | comments (3) |

Grace

There was a moment today when I felt whole again. 



I was with the first graders, outside, playing an elaborate game of tag called Fox and Bunny.   I was facilitating, shouting encouragement and instruction to the 8 kids.  Sage was in the Fox's Den again -- she has Down's Syndrome and uses tag as an opportunity to run freely, though not necessarily away from whoever is "it".  She was clearly bored with the cycle of getting tagged and then waiting to be rescued by another player.  She crisscrossed her legs and bent forward with her hands on the snowy ground, looking up to me.  "Kate!"



Something clicked into place in me, and I laughed.  I jogged over to her and swooped her up with my arms under her armpits, legs dangling in front of me.  She didn't have to play the game like everyone else -- it wasn't my job to make her follow the rules.  Instead, she started using her legs to steer us around the field in a front facing, one team wheelbarrow race.  We played our own game, with its own shifting rules and goals.  "Quick!  To the Bunny Hole!"  "Now this way!"  The other first graders continued their game seamlessly, and sometimes we even played along -- "Whoa, there's the fox -- watch out!".



I felt myself wide open, giving myself fully to the moment and to this 6 year old girl.  Nothing held back for myself, or for Aurora, or for later.  Full on, right now -- no rules to follow or enforce, the only goal is love.  I saw the snow-covered mountains around us with new eyes, with appreciation and joy and presence.  I was suddenly in the world as a full participant, instead of fighting against it, begrudging it for its responsibilities, or figuring out how to manipulate it to get what I want.  I've been so focused on not having enough money, or time, or energy -- I've been in this rut of grabbing for whatever I can get and never feeling like I've gotten enough.  This afternoon I felt a wholehearted and wholespirited "yes!" to everything that was happening, effortlessly stepping into a dynamic of collaboration with all of existence. 



It was just a few minutes, and I know I quickly slipped back into the struggle, but looking back on it tonight now that Rora is asleep and I have the space for reflection, I notice the feeling lingering in my body -- the freedom, the joy, the sense of wholeness.



I think some people call it Grace.

posted by: tickledspirit at 03/04/09 00:38 | link | comments (1) |